The stuff Movies are made of
by Winged-panther1
Summary: Jack is your typical college aged teenager, if you count living with a runaway alien bride normal that is. Now he has to deal with a Yaut'ja woman who says she's to young for marriage, that's addicted to pizza, his computer, and TV. Take a look at the lives of Jack, and the devil may care Tika, as they go through the stuff you can only see at the movies. Anon reviews welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Ok folks this is a new story I have wanted to do to shake up the AvP fanfiction world for months. So you know how there are stories that always star this: alternative, nerdy, loner, artistic, outcast, or anti-social girl who ends up living with a badass, loner, and her type male predator, well here is a new story about a female predator invading and mooching off a human male, during her stay. If you like it, thanks, and I will update Unlikely Mother in awhile, but I am mapping out what the chapter should be, Should it continue with Guan, or explain what the queen meant at the end of the last chapter. Well enjoy folks.

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><p>Jack yawned walking into his house after a hard day of work at the video store, carrying a large meat lover's deep-dish pizza. "'Let's see who do we leave our old house, I know how about our son since we're moving to a nice mansion in California, while he has college 10 miles from the house.' 'That's a swell idea hun.' Ugh." He said going into his fridge to get a sprite.<p>

Jack was not what you called built, he was lean, tall at about 6" 3 and good at basketball, and his parents were your run of the mill just got rich after our child is 18 parents. His dad was a stockbroker native to Denmark, and his mom grew up in Harlem, and worked as an assistant to a Mortgage company executive, before she met his father. He was bullied a lot, even when he played on the basketball team at High School since he was only ranked fourth best player on Varsity, which lets face it people will make fun of since you're good, but not that good . The best he got was a scholarship to a college in New York, with some of his friend's from the anime/sci-fi/fantasy club. "Well might as well watch some TV." He said turning it on a movie. "Ooh. The day the Earth stood still." He chuckled watching

About Halfway into the movie a light thud was heard outside that, he ignored ruling it out as a fight outside his house, or a dog. He was getting up to use the bathroom til he heard a crash in his kitchen. "H-huh?" he reached for an umbrella walking slowly into the kitchen seeing the light from his refrigerator. "Shit." He started to walk up to the figure having the advantage of being behind it and swung "Heyah!" he swung til the figure turned instantly grabbing it.

A very tall figure glared down at him at about 8" 4 and had what looked like breasts behind metal armor, a funky glowing collar, and lizard like black skin. "Hello Ooman." She snarled through a mask she was wearing "where you intending to strike me with a shield contraption used for weather blocking?" she said tapping a foot.

"N-no." he said backing up scared out of his wits at the weird looking Amazon before him.

"Good, because if you if you were…" he wrist blades popped out. "I'd have to kill you."

He looked surprised and fainted on the spot hearing that, falling backwards.

"Uh-oh. Maybe I sounded a bit to serious." She said taking her mask off to reveal a very surprised face.

~5 hours later~

Jack woke up on a couch rubbing his head "What the hell?" he looked around "I guess it was all a dream." He said getting up to see the same figure from last night on his couch eating his pizza. "….The fuck?"

"Oh you're awake Ooman." She said eating his last slice. "Glad to see you're ok."

"Who what how?" he said hysterically

"Eh, be specific little Ooman." She said with a quizzical look.

"Who and what are you and why are you here?" he said backing away from her to the other end of the couch.

"Oh, well you see my name is Twi'kouja, but since that's probably be hard for you the say you may call me hmmm Tika, I'm a Yaut'ja, a feared race of alien hunters who hunt serpents, and Oomen." She said before pausing "I'm here to escape an unwanted marriage I had to ditch my standard armor, get my custom one, self destruct my ship hundreds of miles away from here, and pick a good enough house far enough from people and this house is at least 5 oomen miles from civilization, except the occasional neighbor or two." She finished

"…Whoa that's kind of awesome, but why do you not want to get out of marriage?" Jack said watching her

"Because 200 is barely old enough for me to want to marry silly I'm barely passed what you oomen call late teens."

"Ok. Well as interesting as this is I have class in….One hour!" he said frantically running to shower and get dressed.

"Huh weird guy…oh well." She said turning on his TV

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><p>well I hoped you enjoyed the first chapter. I promise to add more humour when I update it since this was kinda rushed<p> 


	2. Getting to now your new housemate

Hey folks I'm back with another chapter gonna make it do what it do haha. Alright I loved my reviews to Ares yes I know its gonna be a plot hole and I plan on having it all explained in this chapter cause I want to clear up any holes in the story so we can get to the comedy. So remember folks R7R I like reviews from anonymous people and people with accounts either works for me.

After rushing to get dressed Jack came back down with a stunned look on his face. "I forgot…I don't have classes today…." He said before falling back on the couch putting his face in his hands sighing.

"Hm, you ok Ooman?" Tika said looking at him with a confused and lazily worried look on her face.

He looked at her and glared saying "Everything is just fine!" sarcastically. At that moment her hand accidentally flung a pillow at his face, a bit to hard knocking him down to the floor.

"Oops. Sorry Ooman." she said with a devious smirk on her face. "Now that your little 'rant' is over. How about we get some more food, cause you're out of that circular meat pie."

He looked at her with a disgruntled look "You just finished off a meat king deep dish pizza! How can you still be hungry?" he said shocked she said that to him

"My people have a very high metabolism, and one measly 'pizza' will not satisfy my hunger ooman." she said in a rather annoyed voice.

"Well ain't that just fuckin grand any more news you wanna te... wait I just thought of something, if you're an alien..." he started

"A Yautja." Tika said interrupting Jack

"Whatever, how can you talk to me?" Jack said finishing his previous sentence.

"I'm glad you ask, for you see this little gadget on my neck, is a liquid proof translator, it helps for when hunters need to trick prey." Tika said grinning smugly

Jack sighed. "Look whatever, I'm to tired for all this so I'm gonna take a nap." he said starting to walk to his bedroom.

Tika grabbed him glaring "Oh no you don't ooman, I'm still hungry, and I can bench press 100 times your small weight." she sounded extremely serious.

"Oh um hehe, did I say nap?" he said faking ignorance "I meant fix you all the food you wanted to eat." he tokld her nervously

She let him down smirking at his cowering form and petted his head "Smart boy..." she said evilly

Jack ran into the kitchen, and began to make her a big 3 foot sub.

She sat on his recliner and yawned "Make sure whatever you make is towering with sweet sweet milk." she said scratching her scaly belly.

Jack heard that and got out the roast beef and ham. "S-sure." he replied back to her

Tika just grinned picking up his remote. 'I think I'm really gonna like it here' she thought to herself turning on 'Terminator 2' just at the part where Arnold arrives in the past. 'Oooooh. Now that's an ooman I'd like in my bed' she thought lustfully.

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><p>Damn sorry this is so damn late, but I've been busy as hell. Ugh anyway i might make an M rated story with a human and female pred. Tell me what you think. R&amp;R<p> 


	3. Halo, meatzza, TV, and trolls

Hey folks, sorry it's been so late updating, but it's the summer, and I've been busy with an internship, but I digress. Now I'm going to tell you the format for this story since its more a slice-of-life comedy series, I want to have it set as a series of oneshots, the occasional twoshot, and the maybe the rare threeshot for now enjoy.

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><p>Jack grunted going downstairs it had been a week after he had met Tika, and a few days after finding out that his boss had torched the store for insurance money. "Well this week has been one big s**t storm after the other." he groaned reaching the bottom of the stairs to hears Tika yell.<p>

"You f**king a**hole, I'll skull f**k you so hard you'll smell like my pussy for a month!" she screeched into what looked like one of his custom Xbox live headsets. She growled obviously from the response she got. "I am not a newb! I am the one who's gonna rape you with a strapon made of a serpent(Xeno)'s tail!"

Jack sighed looking at what she was playing 'Great my new copy of Halo 4, and judges by her anger she's going against a sniper, rocket, hammer, and spartan laser troll.' "Tika calm down he's just some loser virgin." Jack said rubbing his forehead not wanting this in the morning.

"Shut up!" she roared at Jack, and continued to play until she finally killed the kid. "Ha! In your f**king face you ugly piece of s**t go cry to your mother you pussy little ass!" she screamed happily as she signed out. "That was fun"

Jack snorted and started to make himself some breakfast while reheating a supersize meatzza he had to make for Tika last night 'Thank you internet for making food fit for that beast..." he thought to himself as he sprinkled bacon into his omelette. "Tika you done?"

She was still happily doing her victory dance, until she smelt the meatzza. "What is that heavenly food you have made for me?" she said curiously while she walked into the kitchen. "Its smells better than what you've been feeding me all week."

"Well Tika this is a Meatzza, I had to make it three times its original size so you can have more to eat, and some to last you, plus it might make my waller stop getting lighter." he mumbled that last part.

"Yeah yeah yeah, just be sure to have some of that what was it called um, coke? Ready for me, especially the Charea kind." she said, as she left the kitchen to lay on the couch, and watch TV "Hehe stupid Tom outsmarted by a mouse. You're dumber than the talking yellow brick, yet smarter than the fat eric."

"Not as evil as snake face, or as gay as sparkly blood fairy." Jack added from the kitchen

~-10 minutes later-~

"Tika time to eat." Jack called from the kitchen.

She raced in faster than a facehugger in a hospital bay. "Yum. I thank you goddess-mother Paya for this food I am about to eat." she cute off a piece then took a bite. "Oh Paya! Its like my mouth just had an orgasm!"

He smirked and looked at his phone or as he will now refer to it as 'The ultimate guide book to Yautja cooking.' "Slow down its gotta last ya" he said sitting at the table with her.

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><p>There you have it folks, an update of this story. Before people get on me Tika is my character I can have her act how I want, second she 8'9 she's small for a female. but it makes her faster plus she's young, and third its a comedy story yautja are allowed to cutloose, and be as ridiculous as we are in some parts of life. First person to get all the references I made, or the most, I will add a situation you want them to be in, with any character you want or can think of.<p> 


	4. Tika's interactions 1:Tika's invention

Hello folks, sorry bout the slow updates, my phone is terrible to type on, and my computers are inaccessible sometimes plus I have school, and such. Now I was thinking for Unlikely Mother I'd try and update it every other week. This I'm trying to shoot for a weekly update rate, keyword is trying. Ok lets start.

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><p>Tika had been laying on the coach watching some show about magical horses. "Hehe the pink one must be the smartest of the herds."<p>

Jack chuckled at the site of a 7"4 foot huntress becoming a Brony. "I take it you like the show?" he inquisisted as he sat in his favorite chair.

She grinned, which would look creepy to most, happily nodding "Truly you oomans know how to make up for what you lack in technology up with great entertainment." She had replied with a tone of childish delight in her voice, which was weird considering she usually sounded mad, sarcastic, or that cynical snooty tone she has when she is explaining Yautjan science.

"So you plan on doing anything other than laying around all day?" he asked he raising an eyebrow.

She grinned again before shooting up "Why yes, yes I do." she said showing him her wrist computer "Guess what I got this to do just recently." she said in a excited tone.

"What got it to work like an Ipod?" he asked before touching her wrist computer, and swiftly receiving a swift flick to his cheek, which to him felt like a slap.

"No you simple simple ooman, I have upgraded my invisibility spectrum cloak to produce a hologram cloak of an ooman female to help me move within your society with ease, and just for measure I've given the typical human standard of beauty for most men, well at least in your magazines you have around the house." she said before booting up her computer as it started to make her glow a strange bright electrical blue as her body began to gain a more human look to it, her skin become a cream complexion, while it looked as if the dread like tubes on her head ad merged to become midback length dark auburn hair, her mandibles looked to have formed a cute pair of limps currently in a triumphant smile, she still had her womanly hips and chest, all in all it left Jack wondering how she went from intimidating alien huntress to a beautiful Asian girl.

"H-huh?" his jaw had dropped wide while his blood had been rushing south, causing well you all know what.

She walked up to him and bent down with a teasing grin on her face "That a ceremonial dagger in your pocket, or you just happy to see?" she teased him giving his ass a quick slap happy it worked "Well we'll be going shopping soon so saddle up as you oomen say." she told him before walking out the room to raid the house for clothes to fit her.

Jack stood there for a good minute or two before he could finally speak the one thing that was on his mind "Daaamn..." he knew he was in for a long day now.

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><p>Well folks there it is a setup for a hilarious twoshot of a female yautja in a human city, how will the people react to Tika and how will Tika react to the people, only time will tell. Also sorry for taking so long, but I'm so busy with school work, and such, but other than that I want to get the next chapter done fast. Also if you're wondering about Tika's face I gotta say I was thinking of Shiho when she played Tomoko in Kamen Rider Fourze only with her hair down, I kinda do like that face for Tika's human cloak, and if you're wondering why she didn't go into detail about it, I didn't want to bore you with all the techno babel I'd have to pull out of my plothole for convenience. If you're gonna flame me over ow Tika acts, please just leave me alone she's my character, a technical bad blood, so I think she'd be more devil may care about things since the chances of her going home are slim, at best, also why is she as tall as a male, well I guess she's an underdeveloper, but she makes up for it in speed so it balances out. Her human cloak is gonna be needed since I wanna have her interact with more people, cause I can only do so much with Jack's house. R&amp;R<p> 


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